Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I Don't Wanna!

My beautiful boys are my world. I adore them. They are my everything.

They also drive me crazy.

The attitudes of teen boys are emerging - like swamp creatures from the murky waters in a horror movie. We have had many discussions lately about house rules, and thoughtfulness, and respect, and how we are the parents and they are the kids and sometimes they just have to do what we say. Discussion over. They hate that.

Can't say I blame them.

Take this sobriety thing for example. It sucks. I hate it. It's been really difficult lately and I'm wondering why I have to be so good when I see so many others who don't have to. I never broke any laws, I never drove, I never hurt anyone...why do I have to be the good one? Seriously. I don't want to do this anymore - at all.

Then I think of why I am public about it and why all my friends know what I am doing - accountability. Really, if I was clever, I would have stopped drinking silently so if I wanted to start again I could have done that silently too. That would have been much, much easier. But instead of going home and sneaking some sips, I sit and write this. I'm kind of trapping myself so I can't self-sabotage. This is the grown-up Lauren, laying the groundwork for my own success. The selfish kid Lauren is pissed. She wants to stomp her feet and yell "I DON'T WANNA!!!" And do what she wants. She feels a little stronger than the grown-up Lauren right now. But just like I can't give in to my boys for their own good, I can't give in to the "I don't wanna" Lauren. Even though I really, really want to.

Man, doesn't it suck being a grown up sometimes?

No worries though - it's here in black and white, like a contract. Grown-up Lauren wins.

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