Tuesday, December 29, 2015

I Deserve It

Greetings from the land of "We all are getting colds!"  'Tis the season.

I have had some ask me recently how I quit drinking.  Let's back up a teeny bit - no need to revisit the drama in depth.

I was a party girl.  Then I used tough times as an "I deserve this 3pm cocktail" excuse.  Then when it got to be too much, it was time to stop.

So I stopped.  I just stopped.

This was four + years ago.  And it was really hard.

Until it wasn't.

For me, the excuse of "I deserve this" was just so lame that even I recognized it.  My husband and kids didn't deserve to have me as absent and tuned out and tired as I was.  I didn't deserve the shame and guilt the next day.  Not to mention the hangovers.

This is what I deserve:

I deserve to be present with my family.  100%.

I deserve to feel comfortable and confident with my friends, and not worry about what they think of me (now I do!).

I deserve to be healthy and maintain a good weight.

I deserve to be able to wake up and jump right in to my day without a headache.

I deserve to feel proud of myself every day and feel proud that I am doing the best thing for myself, even if it's different from the norm.

I deserve to not feel the shame every day of knowing that I'm drinking too much.  And the shame of knowing that I embarrassed myself, again.  And the shame of knowing that the funny drunk Lauren routine was wearing thin.  Shame is a bitch and I don't miss it at all.  Let's face it - the "let's remind Lauren what she said last night" routine was getting old.

This isn't for everyone - you know if you drink too much or not.  We are aware.  I couldn't stop at 2 or 3 like my most people could - I certainly didn't need any more, but I deserved it, dammit.

Now I deserve so much more.  And I've got it.

So that's how I did it.  You're welcome.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

'Tis the Season

We've had a bumpy weekend.

I was out running errands today when I ran into a friend (I ran into a couple, happily!) who knows us since the boys were in elementary school - she was the Assistant Librarian at the boys' school.  So she has been with us through our entire journey with TJ since he started Kindergarten.

She asked how we were doing - yesterday I had posted about an autism meltdown that TJ had on Facebook and she had seen it.  The great part about what happened was that after the worst of the meltdown was over, TJ asked me to give him squeezes (deep pressure bear hugs that make him feel better).  It was the first time he had asked for those without my offering first.  Huge step for him!  We were so proud of him asking for what he needed to take care of himself.

Anyway, my friend mentioned that all the excitement of Christmas coming up must be a huge contributing factor to TJ's being on edge.

She's right - it is.

Imagine your typical kid the week before Christmas - how excited they are, and how magical everything feels.

Now imagine that times 10.  That's what it's like for TJ.  The highs are higher than normal, and the lows are lower.

Add to that his self-imposed guilt trip and fear of Santa's Naughty List when he yells uncontrollably or gets mad at me or his brother because his sensory system is on overload.  It takes some serious convincing that he is still on the Nice List.

So as keyed up as TJ is, I have to be that much more calm and controlled.  An interesting position to be in, as that is not the natural state of affairs, to say the least.  But somehow, the more intensly he reacts, the calmer I respond.  

I surprise even myself.

Anyway, that's where we are at.  A quiet calm peaceful relaxed afternoon at home as we try to keep the peace and prevent more meltdowns.

I had a cute outfit picked out for a party we were supposed to attend, too.  Darn it.  I'll save it for another day. 

The shoes, however, I will wear now.  Good shoes always help things, dontcha think?

Monday, December 14, 2015


Ah the holidays!

I'm thrown off completely that it's 55 degrees outside instead of snowy, but whatever.

During this time of year I get awfully reflective.  Normally, in the past, I have focused on what I struggled with rather than with what went well.

Well guess what?

I can't really think of any huge struggles this year!!!

Is this possible?!?!  This is me we're talking about here....

But yes, it's not only possible, but it's TRUE!


In trying to figure out that magic formula of going with the flow and living a positive, healthy, happy life, I seemed to have stumbled across it.  Somehow.

Perhaps it was all the work I've done on myself the past few years?  I have come from a place of not liking my wimpy take-the-back-seat self, to being angry with myself about wasting time in negativity, to just, quite simply, being happy.

This is not to say that I haven't had any struggles this year - I have.  Everyone does.  But I have handled them in a more positive way than I ever have before.

I have let go of hurt.

I have let go of things I can't control.

I have focused on the amazing people in my life - there are a LOT of them!!!

I have enjoyed the small things.  And the big things!  And the small things that are big things to me and my family.

And all those things in between.

And I have found peace and joy and happiness and lots of love and laughter along the way.

So thank you friends, for sticking with me.  I am grateful for you every day.

Thank you family, for holding me up.  And challenging me.  And loving me all the time.

Thank you, Sean and TJ and Peter - you are my heartbeat.  You are my everything, every day.

And thank you all, for just....all of it.

Happy 2016!