Monday, May 14, 2012

Sobriety Makes Me Fat

Isn't it supposed to be the opposite?  When you take out all those calories that alcohol brings into your diet, you're supposed to get all skinny, right?  Wrong, if you're Lauren.

Since I've lost the booze, I've gained a sugar addiction.  Ice Cream.  M&Ms.  Twizzlers.

I'm not binge eating, mind you, and thanks to bazoom I'm not huge.  My friend Jennie, when she saw me in February, said "I was prepared for you to be huge - you look fine!"  (I love love love her honesty, BTW - one of my favorite things about her).  But I'm definitely having to work really hard to burn calories to stay on an even keel.

Anyway, thanks to my lovely sprained ankle, I am slowly getting back up to speed with my bazoom.  But it definitely threw a wrench into matters.

I was so completely touched today when a friend called to tell me that over the past weekend, when she was hanging out with her girlfriends, she decided not to drink.  She told me "I know it's only a tiny example of what you go through, but it really changes the entire dynamic of hanging out with the girls, and I had no idea.  It was hard!  I really admire you for doing it."

The fact that she called me to tell me means so, so much to me. I know it must be really difficult for my friends to understand how hard it is for me.  I wish I understood it myself.  I wish it was so easy for me to simply say "nah, I'll skip the booze tonight" and another night say "I'll just have one" and be able to stick to it.  That has never been me.  Never. 

And I wish I had some control - any control - over when not drinking is really hard and when it isn't.  When it's hard it hits me like a truck.  I feel paralyzed.  I feel like everyone is looking at me.  I feel like I don't really know what to do with myself.  These suck.  They really do.  The last time this happened I reached out to a few friends, whose text messages of humor, support and love got me through it.  Thank god for them!!!  I am lucky - so lucky - to have the wonderful friends that I have.

And I think the vulnerability of what I'm trying to do for myself has made me really over sensitive.  I worry that my not drinking, or talking about it, or working on it, or the changes it makes in my life, are going to cost me my friends, who are so so so important to me.

But I'm doing it anyway.

Aren't I fun?  Boy, this is a serious one.

But that's just where I'm at today, I guess.  No wonder, really, as Mother's Day used to be my drink-champagne-sitting-on-the-couch-watching-cheesy-tv-while-wearing-fabulous-shoes-and-a-tiara day.

And I made it through that day, for the first time, without champagne. 

I did wear the tiara.  And fabulous shoes for a few hours.

Stupid ankle - threw a wrench into that plan, too.

OK - introspect over.  I'm going upstairs to see how my ankle feels when I wear my nude colored patent leather stilettos.


 Cancel the whole thing.  I just got some tops from Boden (thank you Mom!) and they were ALL too big!  WAHOO!!!  Not feeling so fat after all.  Forget I said anything.

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