Saturday, March 7, 2015

Then and Now or Getting to Know my Sober Self

When I quit drinking I was embarrassed.  Humiliated.  In my mind, quitting was showing everyone that I had a huge weakness.

This was the beginning of a downward spiral.

I felt less than.  And since that's what I felt about myself, that's what I put out there.  I showed everyone that I was struggling and felt foreign - I didn't know how to treat me, and others followed my suit.  Not their fault - it was what I put out there and what I accepted.  

It took me a long time to figure out that what I put out is what would come back to me.  I put out uncertainty and insecurity, and that's exactly what came back to me.  I didn't know how to trust my new self because I didn't know her.

Now I do.  Now I know better.

Now I value who I am and what I do, and surround myself with those who agree.

I don't blame those who didn't agree at the end of my confusion.  They worked with what I gave them.  It took my going through that confusion, and losing those friendships, to get me where I am today.  

I feel badly for hurting anyone.  I wish I could have transformed my life with no carnage.  But I see now that this was impossible.  I didn't value myself then, and I do now.  I didn't treat myself well then, and I do now.  They had nothing else to work with besides what I gave them.  I hurt, they hurt.  It is over now and I am so much happier without that struggle.  I'm sure they are happier too.  I wish them all well and hope they wish me the same.  And if they don't, that's ok too.  That part is not mine; it is not up to me.  

The part that is up to me, is good.  Finally.

I'm good.