In search of a tag line

At the beginning of each Real Housewives show on Bravo TV, the ladies say a tag line about their lives.  Here are some examples:

“People call me a gold digger, but they just want what I have.” 

"I'm here for a good time, not for a long time."

"I'm living the American dream, one mistake at a time."

"I don't make money, I spend money."

“I may be married to a plastic surgeon, but I’m 98 percent real.” 

Um....what?

Is that really the best they could come up with?!  Those are lousy tag lines.  Especially the American dream one - what the hell is that?  She sounds like an idiot.  Don't you think that if you're going to be on national television that you would put your best foot forward?  I'm curious about what input the Bravo TV folks have on the ladies who say these lines.  Are they cracking up every time they hear them?  I would be.  I AM, as an observer. 

Then I start wondering what my tag line would be if I was on one of these shows.  Here are some ideas:

"Some days I just don't shower."

Hmmm...that's not really putting my best foot forward.  Next.

"I am who I am.  If you don't like it, you can suck it."

I like the idea behind this one, but it's a wee bit aggressive, don't you think?  I can do better.  How about this?

"D is for Diverticulitis, AND Diva!"

I just cracked myself up with that one!  We may be on to something. 

"I can change my mood as fast as I can change my shoes."

This is true, but makes me sound a little schizophrenic.  

"Vermont can be cold, but it's fine if you're a Hot Mama like me."

DING DING DING!!!  We have a winner!!!

I think a tag line should be changeable every day.  There is no way one line can consistently represent me and my life.  So now that I've tried to come up with my own tag line I have a greater sympathy for the ladies who do have to pick one to stick with for a TV show.

Except for those ladies who said the lines at the beginning of this post - really, there is no excuse for the stupidity of those.

Wait...what?

I just glimpsed at a report about an interview that Andy Cohen (from Bravo TV) did with Rihanna for Facebook live.  She was asked where she wanted to be in 30 years.  She basically said when she is 54 she wants to be skinny, fierce, and hopes her t!ts are still where they are now.

Umm.....WHAT?

Is that all?  Seriously?  What about "happy"?  There was no mention of happy.  Or healthy.  I'm shocked.

I'm also terrified for our future.  Is this the main concern for all 20 somethings these days?  I knew there was too much focus on the exterior in this age group but had no idea it was this extreme.  I think it's important to look good, but MAN!

Granted she was drunk.  I hope her answer would be different if she wasn't.  That's a pretty sad state of affairs too, being drunk for an interview, IMHO.  But that's a different blog post.

And by the way, what's with this one piece of my hair? It gets all Shirley Temple on me after a Zumba class. I have straight hair, people, this is a bizarre phenomenon. Whassup???

Help!!! I don't have a job title!!!

I was a child of the 70s.  As a child of the 70s I spent a lot of time listening to the record "Free To Be...You And Me."  Anyone else?  I mean I listened to this A LOT.  I loved the stories, I loved the music....I loved all of it.  To this day any time I hear Marlo Thomas or Alan Alda, I am instantly transported to my childhood.  Love love love.

I remember listening to this record and thinking that I could be anything.  I wanted to be on Broadway.  Or the movies.  Or on TV.  I knew I was destined for greatness.

Turns out, I was destined for the EJ.  I love the EJ, I do, but I never thought I'd be a housewife in Vermont.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but really folks, I don't even have a job!  Talk about ending up differently than you thought you would!

This is interesting especially now, when I just had my college reunion and my high school reunion is just around the corner.  Everyone asks:  "What are you doing now?"  My answer is "I married a dreamboat, have 2 amazing kids, one has autism, we have a dog, and I hate laundry.  But I hate cleaning bathrooms more."  Is that a good answer?  It's an honest answer.

What's a better answer?  I need some help here.  Domestic Goddess?  That's way too "Roseanne" for me.  I do have my Hot Mama O Rama business cards, that's always a safe bet, but it still requires some explanation.  How about "Shoe Diva of fabulositude"?  Too pompous?  I don't want to come across as self centered.  But let's face it, shoes are my thing.  How about "Undiscovered Stylist"?  That's a good one too - I'm always silently styling everyone.

I thought of all this today because as I was doing laundry, after asking the boys to put their dishes in the dishwasher, Carol Channing's voice ran through my head:

"Little boys, little girls, when you're big husbands and wives,
If you want all the days of your lives
To seem sunny as summer weather,
Make sure, when there's housework to do,
That you do it together!"

I think I need to play this for my boys.  Carol Channing really does explain it perfectly, don't you think?  Also the whole "Parents are People" part too - that's good stuff.

Maybe instead of explaining anything to anyone, I should just put my blog web address on my Hot Mama O Rama business card.  But if anyone has any really good ideas of an official job title, let me know. 

PS - I STILL think I'm destined for greatness.....

Risk is good

When I was 14 I went to the Exploration Summer Program at Wellesley College. I went when I was 13 too, one of the very first Intermediate program attendees, thankyouverymuch. But the summer I was 14, I took a course called Risk. It was focused on, well, taking risks. Up until this time in my life I was not a big risk taker at all - I was much more comfortable playing it safe. But it was in this summer program, and more specifically in this class, where I realized how valuable it is to take risks in life.

The risks in the class were not huge ones - we were blindfolded and led around campus.  We heard water near us.  Our instructor, Stuie, said if we trusted him, take a big step forward.  Some stepped.  Some didn't.  I stepped.  And I didn't fall into the water.  That's the kind of stuff we did.  We pushed ourselves, then asked ourselves why we made the decisions we made.  It was really wonderful.  The home I came from had its' share of anxiety within its' walls, so a class like this that challenged me, and made me uncomfortable, and scared me, and rewarded me, and was just what I needed.

I find that in my adulthood, the risks I take are bigger.  I invest myself more into them.  Usually they are worthwhile.  Every now and then, I fall on my face.  Or sometimes, not often, I'm tripped up by someone or something else, and fall on my face.  It's during these times that it is most important for me to get back up.  That's hard.  When I'm hurt, I hurt a lot.  I put myself all out there, and when it goes bad it shakes me to my core.  It is also during these times, just like during my Risk class, that it's most important to figure out what I get out of it, and what it has taught me.

So I'm standing up tall, happy with who I am, and proud of what I stand for.  In many ways I am much stronger, and in every way I go forward with more wisdom.  I'm sure I'll fall down again, but it's worth the risk.

Grease is the word

Sometimes the truth is gross.

Remember a long time ago when I was struggling to find the best combo of cute and practical when it came to how I wore my hair to Zumba?  Or Bazoom as I like to call it?  Well folks, I think I've found the answer.

Day old hair.

Yes, that's right.  If I don't wash my hair for a day, the grease holds it nicely in place.  I haven't washed my hair since last night...look:

 

May I just take a second to pat myself on the back and say what guts it takes to discuss your greasy hair for all the world to see?  You're welcome world.

Anyway, this is what I tried Monday night for Bazoom class.  Tory my faboo instructor was afraid I would grease up the floor as I danced and she would wipe out.  But guess what?  The hair did not move.  I jumped, bounced, twisted, everything...it got even stronger with the sweat.  I hate to say it but I think I looked much cuter than when I wear the ever-sensible pony tail.  

So there you go - Bazoom hair problem solved.

Now if I could only unify the American people, I would be the best EVAH.

I Don't Wanna!

My beautiful boys are my world. I adore them. They are my everything.

They also drive me crazy.

The attitudes of teen boys are emerging - like swamp creatures from the murky waters in a horror movie. We have had many discussions lately about house rules, and thoughtfulness, and respect, and how we are the parents and they are the kids and sometimes they just have to do what we say. Discussion over. They hate that.

Can't say I blame them.

Take this sobriety thing for example. It sucks. I hate it. It's been really difficult lately and I'm wondering why I have to be so good when I see so many others who don't have to. I never broke any laws, I never drove, I never hurt anyone...why do I have to be the good one? Seriously. I don't want to do this anymore - at all.

Then I think of why I am public about it and why all my friends know what I am doing - accountability. Really, if I was clever, I would have stopped drinking silently so if I wanted to start again I could have done that silently too. That would have been much, much easier. But instead of going home and sneaking some sips, I sit and write this. I'm kind of trapping myself so I can't self-sabotage. This is the grown-up Lauren, laying the groundwork for my own success. The selfish kid Lauren is pissed. She wants to stomp her feet and yell "I DON'T WANNA!!!" And do what she wants. She feels a little stronger than the grown-up Lauren right now. But just like I can't give in to my boys for their own good, I can't give in to the "I don't wanna" Lauren. Even though I really, really want to.

Man, doesn't it suck being a grown up sometimes?

No worries though - it's here in black and white, like a contract. Grown-up Lauren wins.

Toot toot!!!

Skinny jeans really can work for anyone, if you only buy the correct size.  I'm just sayin'.

So I'm back from San Francisco and what an AMAZING trip my sister and I had!  Of course, I did fall off a chair in the lobby of the hotel where Susan's conference was in front of about a thousand psychiatrists, but other than that it was really wonderful.  There were no arms on the chair.  It's complex, really, and not the point of this post at all.

One of the best things about going away is coming home.  I was so happy to make it home safely, after changing my flight to go through Cleveland instead of Newark (hello Cleveland!!!).  My poor sister had to spend 2 days in Chicago (granted she was with one of her favorite people besides myself so it could have been worse, but she missed her kids) and just made it home in time for Halloween.  So glad she's home safe.  Anyway, my boys met me at the airport and we all were thisclose to tears hugging at the gate exit.  Seriously.  It was one of those moments.

Today is a gray rainy chilly day, so we went to the ECHO Lake Aquarium Center in Burlington.  Google it.  It's got exhibits that change twice a year, and the one that just opened is about Race.  Sean and I told the boys that the exhibit is looking at how people are all different.  We went in and on the wall are pictures of many different people, of many different ages, who wrote little blurbs about their heritage.  Below this on a table were blank cards, pencils, and a binder where you could write your own blurb.  TJ grabbed a card and a pencil and wrote this:

Then he put it into the clear plastic sleeve in the binder.  Satisfied with his completed task, he went on to the "Exploring the Lake" section of the museum.

This made me smile, and sad, and thoughtful, and proud all at once.  It seems like something has changed....like he has confirmed his understanding of what he's got and knows that it's just a part of him.  Almost like he's proud of his differences.  I don't know.  But something about it made me feel content.  Like we are really are doing a good job with him.  Which I almost don't want to say out loud, as I never have, and don't want to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT!!!

As long as he is OK, I'm OK.  And I think he is OK.  Today anyway.  And that's good enough for me.