Sunday, July 15, 2012

These People need My Help

PLEASE NOTE:  The opinions expressed in this post are my own, and mine alone.  If you disagree, totally fine.  If you get snarky with your disagreement, don't bother.  These are my opinions and if you don't like it, go read a different blog, sucka!

Have you ever been to Burlington Vermont?  In the summer?  It's a different beast than in any other season.

Church Street is the center of Downtown.  It's closed off to traffic and has tons of restaurants, shops, and bars.  Well, tons for Vermont.  Please keep in mind that it's only 7 or 8 blocks long.  It's all relative, really. 

Anyway, in the summer, these restaurants and bars have lots and lots of outdoor seating.  It's one of my favorite things to sit out and people watch, day and night.  Now when I do this in the day time, which isn't often at all, the people watching is relatively tame.  At night, however, is a totally different story.  And when a typical "night out" is usually spent here in the EJ, and I come back to Church Street after a long absence, I'm surprised at what I see.  To say the least.

First of all, there are all walks of life in Burlington.  It's not surprising to see a bride walk down the street in full formal wear, followed by a bra-less dredlocked barefoot woman reeking of patchouli.  That's normal.

What is NOT normal, in my humble opinion, are the latest fashion choices of the youth of Burlington.

Now where do I begin?  There are so, so many things to say.

To start, my girlfriends and I were at a waterfront restaurant (Burlington is on the shore of Lake Champlain).  Right on the docks.  Meaning that when there are waves, your table and chairs are going up and down with the waves.  My friend got a little sea sick so we didn't stay for too long.  But we did stay long enough to see a boat docked right next to the restaurant, with a woman wearing a multi patterned strapless top with a giant circle around her right boob.  Her large right boob.  As if to say, "Don't look at the left one, look at this one!"  It was a little confusing as to why the right one was favored, but if that's her choice, more power to her. 

Oh - there was also a barefoot drunk bride in the really gross bathroom, but there's really nothing more to say about that.

So after we left the restaurant we decided to walk up the hill to Church Street.  Apparently a boat had just docked as there was a steady flow of people walking up the hill in front of us.  Among that group of people was a large group of young ladies, one wearing a sequined dress followed by 10 or so others wearing neon dresses and purple wigs.

First of all, who's the genius who said neon was back in?  It's one of the worst fashion choices I can imagine.  It wasn't ok in 1983 and it's not ok now.  It's like someone in the fashion industry said "This will be hilarious - I'm gonna fuck with the entire fashion world and say neon is back in!!!"  They are sitting somewhere in their gold plated chair laughing their ass off.

Second of all, WHY ARE YOUNG GIRLS' DRESSES SO SHORT???  Don't they know that they will most likely have to bend over or sit down at some point, at which time they will be flashing their junk to the world?  No one wants to see it.  Well, that's not true.  But the people who DO want to see it, I'm pretty sure your parents don't want you to show it to.

Which brings me to underwear.  I'm pretty sure no one under 30 wears it.  I've decided to call this phenomenon "None-derwear".

Next we were sitting at an outdoor restaurant with prime Church Street viewing.  Now this is where things got interesting. 

Many of the girls walking by are in need - desperate need - of a mirror.  I feel so badly for them that they don't have one.  If they did, why would they make the fashion choices they made?  No one would, right?  So clearly there is a mirror shortage in Burlington.  I'm thinking of starting a mirror-shelf for those in need.  I'll keep you posted on that project.

I'm no Stacy from "What Not to Wear", but there are a lot of people in Burlington who need my help.  I'm not sure how much detail to get into here, so maybe I'll just summarize with a few statements:

  • Just because a trend is cute on a 15 pound model doesn't mean it will be cute on you.  Dress to your body type, not to the trend.
  • Cowboy boots are cute once in a while, but not in 90 degree weather, and not with every girl in your posse wearing cowboy boots. 
  • Short shorts and sandals yes, short shorts and patent leather pumps no.
  • Bras, people.  Bras.  They do make strapless ones.   I almost took mine off to give to someone who clearly had none of her own.
  • If you can't walk in heels don't wear them.  It hurts to look at you.
  • If you have to keep tugging on your skirt to keep your naa-naa covered, it's too short.
  • If you feel like a sausage in your clothes, you most likely look like one. That may sound brutal, but it brings me back to the most important lesson of all...
  • Just because a trend is cute on a 15 pound model doesn't mean it will be cute on you.  Dress to your body type, not to the trend.  Can't say this one enough.

 So that, in a nutshell, is my advice/experience with Burlington summer fashion.

OH - there was also a bar fight, complete with running police officers, ambulance, guy on a stretcher with his hands cuffed behind his back, and handcuffed guy's friend talking to the cops for at least 40 minutes after.

My girlfriends and I decided that even the most ordinary looking guy is cute if he's wearing a uniform.  But I digress....

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