'Normal' is a Bad Word

Yesterday Peter was bossing the hell out of TJ.  Lately, when TJ blows up, he runs out of the house and threatens to take off.  Now not to sound selfish, but I had a lunch planned with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and I didn't want to cancel it.  Judge if you want, but I haven't gotten out in a long time and I needed it.  

And btw, if you ARE judging, this probably isn't the blog for you.  You can go now.

Anyway, I interfered before things got so heated that TJ blew up.  I used my best Snow White calm voice to ask Peter to please not tell TJ what to do.  

This is when he said, "Mom, I'm helping him to be normal.  Is that ok with you?!"

Snow White promptly left the building.

I took Pete to a different room (yes, he said this in front of TJ) and asked him if he remembered last week, when a 20 year old asshole made fun of TJ playing mini golf.  I did not say asshole to Pete, just using it for you guys because well, he was an asshole.  Anyway, Pete said he remembered.  And it made him really mad.  I told Pete that he just did the same thing by saying TJ isn't normal in front of him.

He got it.

Anyway, long story short, Pete felt bad, apologized to TJ, who hugged his little brother, and I got to go to my lunch.  All's well that ends well.

Except that now that kids TJ's age are going into high school, the difference between them and TJ is more noticeable than ever.  And Pete is often the overlooked one when it comes to our daily struggles, as most of our efforts go towards building TJ's self esteem.

There is no permanent solution.  We deal with our struggles one day at a time, with both boys.  Some days I'm spot on.  Some days I suck.

Most days I'm fabulous.

But in the end, as long as both boys know how loved and cherished they are, I'm doing ok.  Right?  

And as long as they keep talking out the good and the bad, well, I can't ask for much more.

And just out of guilt, I let them have extra iPad time.  Just a little.

:)

It's the Little Things

You never know what you don't know.

Does that make sense?

What I mean is, I have no idea what I have to work on with TJ until I start working on something else.

Summer is very hard.  I can't just send TJ to camp.  He is a home body.  Well, truth be told, he is one of the laziest kiddos I know (he gets it from me).  All he wants to do is stay at home and play on his iPad.  If you know anything about autism, you know that this is a bad thing to let him do all day, every day.  So it's my job to shake things up for him and get him moving.  I'm no autism specialist, but I am a TJ specialist.  So while I can't direct him in academics, I can direct him in simple everyday life lessons.

Like walking down a sidewalk with someone.

That sounds like nothing, right?  Well, in my simple desire of just wanting him to get out of the house and move, I have unearthed more things that come so easily to other people, but are difficult for TJ.

Things like sharing sidewalk space.  He walks right down the middle, as if he's alone.  I've had to remind him that we are supposed to be walking together, and to make room next to him for me.  

Then, there's pace.  He has long giraffe legs so he walks faster than I do.  I've reminded him repeatedly to slow down and match pace with the person he's with.  

He keeps forgetting both.  I've gotten stepped on quite a bit.  He's got big feet.

Then there is conversation.  Waiting for responses.  Listening to the other person.  Asking about their interests.  Listening to the other person.  Listening to the other person.

It's challenging.  And surprising.  Surprising that he didn't already know these things.  But these are the small, simple things that create connections with others.  And for a kid about to start high school, these are so, so important.

So there you go.  I never knew what I didn't know.  

I wonder what else I don't know?....

I want you to be a girl

"Mom, did dad feed my fish?

"TJ I don't know.  He's walking the dog; you're going to have to wait until he's home and ask him."

"Argh.  Ok."

About 10 minutes later....

"Mom do you know if dad fed my fish?"

"TJ please wait until dad is home so you can ask him yourself, ok?"

"Ok."

And 5 minutes after that....

"Mom did dad feed my fish or not?!"

"TJ do you remember what I answered a few minutes ago?"

"That I have to wait until he's back from his walk and ask him myself."

"That's right."

"Ok."

Peter:

"God that's so annoying TJ!  Mom said you have to wait!  Didn't you listen?!"

I quietly asked Peter to come into my room.

"Pete, some things we just have to accept and be patient about with TJ."

"I know but it's so annoying!  And he learns stuff all the time, maybe he can change.  I'm sick of it."

"Well what if I said I'm sick of your hair and I wish it were black?"

"Anyone can change their hair color."

"Ok then, Pete, I wish you were a girl.  How about that?"

Silence.

"Pete honey, I absolutely do not wish you were a girl.  But what if I did?  You can't just change the nature of who you are, can you?"

"No..."

"Well neither can TJ, sweetie.  Some things we just have to be patient with, no matter how annoying."

"Ugh.  I get it mom."

It's going to be interesting to see, as Peter gets older, how he deals with his developing understanding of autism and the role it plays in his life.  It's going to be bumpy, just like anything a kid needs to learn about.  But I also know that when push comes to shove, no one has TJ's back like his brother.

We will see.  

And if he's annoyed by this, what's he going to do when Sean and I tease him in front of his future girlfriends?!?!  

Lessons Learned

Here are some things I've learned lately:

According to TJ, his cousins drive him "bazonkers".  That doesn't stop him from turning into Shecky Jordan at night and saying boarderline inappropriate things to make them all laugh.  I love it.

My brilliant sister, the smartest person I know, gets incredibly freaked out in water where she can't see her feet.  Never knew that.  And she still swims in the lake with her kids, because that's the kind of mom she is.

My brother-in-law is a fantastic person and so much fun to be around.  I already knew this but I just thought it should be said.

When you have a friend who just radiates goodness, and he has a faboo wedding to another guy who also radiates goodness, chances are it will be a fantastic wedding where you will love his friends, who also radiate goodness.  Even while giving some fierce Resting Bitch Face (or RBF).

My youngest is quite possibly the sweetest kid/young man on the planet.  Thoughtful, empathetic, helpful, loving.  With the best nose freckles evah.  

My Sean continues to be the biggest dreamboat, and the best friend, I could ever imagine.  And a great person to road trip with. 

And finally, I've learned that good things come to those who wait.  I'm 3 years sober today.  This past year has been a difficult struggle, to say the least, and it was worth every second to get me where I am today.  Happy and healthy.  With cute shoes.  Always with cute shoes.

Oh - I also learned that a ball thwacky game thingy is called a "ding-a-ling", which really just seems kind of insulting.  It should be named something much cooler.  Like Knuckle Buster.

I Want Just One Night

Remember that play group I was a part of when TJ was a baby?  Those amazing ladies who held me up when TJ was diagnosed with autism?  Well, all of those babies are graduating from 8th grade and heading for High School.

We blinked and here we are.

I am amazed at the pictures of these lovely and handsome young ladies and gentlemen I am seeing on Facebook.  They grew up before our eyes, didn't they?  And it is a wonderful thing to celebrate how far they have come, and to anticipate the next chapter.

I am thrilled for these families.  I love all these ladies and these kids, no matter how much time passes without our seeing each other.

And I am also reminded, as I prepare my TJ for his own graduation (or "Promotion Night" as the school calls it), that we may not get to celebrate like these other families can.

I started planning this about a month ago, asking TJ's teacher (who I love) to write out and explain to him what Promotion Night will look like.

We talk about it in preparation.  What he will wear.  Where he will sit (not with us).  What he will be asked to do.

And while I feel like we have prepared him the best that we can, there is no guarantee that he will make it.  He has a history of not making it through special nights at school.  Middle school open house.  4th grade chorus performance.  2nd grade arts night.

And I hate to sound selfish.  Really, I do.  I know I should say "We will be happy to do whatever he needs us to do."  I will, of course, but maybe not so happily.

I really, really want him to make it through the ceremony.  And not just for him.

I want one school night to be drama free.  I want one school night without my stomach doing backflips.  I want one school night where TJ is ok.

For him, and for us.  We all deserve it.

Is that awful to say?  Awful or not, it's real.

It's this Tuesday.  Cross your fingers.  And toes.

I am 5

I am constantly surprising myself.

I lead a wonderful life, but a life with built-in stress.  Family situations, autism, sobriety and my ridiculously sensitive nature sometimes all come to the forefront at the same time.  So when the titans collided recently, I handled things in away that surprised even me.

I regressed.  

My dear friend visited a Disney store on her trip to her home state, and brought back a pack of Muppets Most Wanted figures for me.  I almost cried they made me so happy.  Seriously.  

(See, I used to have muppet figures a long time ago.  I wore them on my college graduation cap and displayed them in my car.  For real.  Here's yearbook proof:)

So when I brought these figures home, and told my boys they weren't allowed to touch them, I started playing with them.  I posed them and took pictures.

"The Gang"

"Unsuspecting Kermit"

"Animal goes for a walk"

"TLA and they both look great in green"

"Walter - not yet 100% 'in'.  Poor Walter."

Innocent, right?  Well that didn't last for long.

"Public Pork"

"Equal opportunity frogs"

I couldn't stop laughing at my own immaturity.  Then I hid in Peter's closet and jumped out and scared him.  In my mind, hilarious!

 See???  Total regression!

And just like that, BOOM!  Not so stressed.

Laughter rules supreme.

The Easter Bunny keeps receipts

TJ is almost 14.  But his emotional age is much younger, a typical trait of autism, we are told.  

He still believes in the Easter Bunny.  And Santa.  And the Tooth Fairy.

I've been sick so Bunny duties fell on Dad this year.  He is a saint, that one.  He did a great job, fishing the letter to the Easter Bunny out of the mailbox before it got picked up, and finding what he could at Toys R Us.  

So this morning, after TJ and Peter unwrapped heir Easter treasures, TJ asked "Does the Easter Bunny keep receipts?  I don't want this one...."

Yes, TJ, the Easter Bunny keeps receipts and put them in Mom's purse.  You're covered.