Make New Friends

My family and I recently went on a wonderful vacation.  Our first real one - one that didn't piggy back on a business trip of Sean's.  TJ and Peter are both at ages where a trip is, finally, not only do-able, but really wonderful.

On the first morning of the first day of our trip, in true Lauren style, I slipped on the concrete just outside of a pool.  I never knew I could do a split!  Oh wait, I can't.

Long story short, I pulled my hamstring.  I could walk, which means it wasn't completely torn.  I saw the doctor at the resort who put me on Ibuprofen.  I was able to enjoy the rest of my trip very much - limping and sore, but otherwise fully engaged with the family.  No waterslides for me, but let's face it, that's probably for the best.

This morning I started physical therapy - PT - to strengthen that hammie because I still can't zumba or walk with any sort of impressive pace whatsoever.  And it aches if I'm sitting for too long.

My physical therapist, K, is really nice.  She seemed to appreciate my random sense of humor, which one really needs in PT.

Because basically, her hand was almost up my ass.

Seriously.  Not to be crass, but that's where my hammie is sore - way up there where it connects to the pelvic bone.  K and I are now really close friends.

That's all.  Just wanted you guys to know I've made a new friend.  Have a great day, everyone!

The Wave Machine

I used to love puzzles.

What a nice way to spend a lazy Sunday, going to and from a really tough puzzle, and loving that feeling of satisfaction when it's finally done.  Then leaving it on the table to be admired, at least for a little bit.

Now that I'm an autism mom, puzzles don't really do it for me.  I find that I just don't have the patience anymore - my patience is otherwise used up on my kids.

Which brings me to that dang puzzle piece symbol for autism.

It never really bothered me before, until I really started thinking about it.

One autism organization uses the puzzle piece symbol for autism awareness, with the tag line "Until all the pieces fit."  Well, tag line creators, I've got some news for you....

Those pieces?  They will never all fit.  That dang puzzle will never be completed.  You never get that feeling of satisfaction upon completion.

Now before you all get riled up in an uproar, hear me out.

Parenting, no matter if you parent a neurotypical kid (us folks in the biz call those "normal" kids "NT kids".  It's much better than "normal", don't you think?  That way, there is no "not normal" on the other side.  But I digress.) or a kid like my TJ who has autism, is a journey.  There is no ending.

"Until all the pieces fit" contains the hope that eventually, all those pieces, even the toughest ones, will fit into a nice neat puzzle that you can stand back and admire.

For us, just as soon as we have figured out one tricky part of the puzzle, another one pops up.  Or maybe a year after we thought we had solved a problem, it re-presents itself in a new form, maybe a little distorted from its original presentation, but needs to be addressed all over again.

Parenting, no matter what kind of brain your kiddo has, is fluid.

Wouldn't it be nice if it wasn't?  Can you imagine, finally finding how that last little bugger of a puzzle piece fits into the whole picture, and you have laid before you a beautiful portrait that you have been waiting to see in its completion?

Yeah - not gonna happen.

Please don't get me wrong - there are plenty of amazing moments in parenting.  Moments of celebrating successes, solving problems, connecting to your child's journey and life in a real and meaningful way.  Joys.  Sorrows.  Ups and downs.

See?  Fluid.

Instead of that puzzle piece, I like to picture something more like one of those desktop wave machines.  Rocking back and forth, beautiful blues and greens, ebbing and flowing.  And always in motion.

Without an end.

So in theory, that puzzle piece works for many, I get it.  And I'm all for ANYTHING that increases autism awareness and acceptance in the world.

But for me, for my family, for my boys with very different brains and very different ways of living in this world, give me a wave machine any day.

This...All Day Long

100% THIS!  <3

And that's all.  

I'm Still Learning

I've learned so much the past few weeks.

I've learned that lots of people on the internet get worked up and angry at the drop of a hat.

I've learned that no matter what you write, or your intentions behind it, everyone reads it through their own filter, coloring your words accordingly.

I've learned that complete strangers, who don't know me, feel very justified and comfortable making judgments of my life and character based on a snippet of information.

I've learned that responding to aggression is a waste of time, and even if I respond with calm reason, it can and will be misconstrued.

I've learned that I signed up for all of this when I agreed to publish my work.  I already knew that, but I got lots of reminders.

I've learned that the Block button is a beautiful tool.

I've learned that I could hear 1,000 positive messages, and I'll dwell on the 3 negative ones if I don't catch myself and stop myself from doing so.

I've learned how to do so.

I've learned that I'm already doing a really good job with my family and with my writing, with sharing but not oversharing, with respecting the dignity of my child and my family, and with writing in my own voice.

I've learned that this is a process, and that what my writing and sharing looks like changes as I go.

I've learned that I don't know everything, and that I am open to learning more.

I've learned that when I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong.  I already knew that, too, but it's a good reminder.

I've learned that I'm tougher than I thought I was.

I've learned that I have really good people in my life.  I already knew that one, too, but I'm so happy to repeat it.

I've learned to stay out of a discussion if I can't be heard for whatever reason, or if that discussion is no longer constructive.  Even if I have something to add to defend my character.

I've learned when to walk away.  The "having the last word" thing is stupid.

I've learned that there are a lot of really wonderful people out there.  They are the ones who deserve my energy and attention.

I've learned a lot.  And I will keep learning every day.

I Deserve It

Greetings from the land of "We all are getting colds!"  'Tis the season.

I have had some ask me recently how I quit drinking.  Let's back up a teeny bit - no need to revisit the drama in depth.

I was a party girl.  Then I used tough times as an "I deserve this 3pm cocktail" excuse.  Then when it got to be too much, it was time to stop.

So I stopped.  I just stopped.

This was four + years ago.  And it was really hard.

Until it wasn't.

For me, the excuse of "I deserve this" was just so lame that even I recognized it.  My husband and kids didn't deserve to have me as absent and tuned out and tired as I was.  I didn't deserve the shame and guilt the next day.  Not to mention the hangovers.

This is what I deserve:

I deserve to be present with my family.  100%.

I deserve to feel comfortable and confident with my friends, and not worry about what they think of me (now I do!).

I deserve to be healthy and maintain a good weight.

I deserve to be able to wake up and jump right in to my day without a headache.

I deserve to feel proud of myself every day and feel proud that I am doing the best thing for myself, even if it's different from the norm.

I deserve to not feel the shame every day of knowing that I'm drinking too much.  And the shame of knowing that I embarrassed myself, again.  And the shame of knowing that the funny drunk Lauren routine was wearing thin.  Shame is a bitch and I don't miss it at all.  Let's face it - the "let's remind Lauren what she said last night" routine was getting old.

This isn't for everyone - you know if you drink too much or not.  We are aware.  I couldn't stop at 2 or 3 like my most people could - I certainly didn't need any more, but I deserved it, dammit.

Now I deserve so much more.  And I've got it.

So that's how I did it.  You're welcome.

'Tis the Season

We've had a bumpy weekend.

I was out running errands today when I ran into a friend (I ran into a couple, happily!) who knows us since the boys were in elementary school - she was the Assistant Librarian at the boys' school.  So she has been with us through our entire journey with TJ since he started Kindergarten.

She asked how we were doing - yesterday I had posted about an autism meltdown that TJ had on Facebook and she had seen it.  The great part about what happened was that after the worst of the meltdown was over, TJ asked me to give him squeezes (deep pressure bear hugs that make him feel better).  It was the first time he had asked for those without my offering first.  Huge step for him!  We were so proud of him asking for what he needed to take care of himself.

Anyway, my friend mentioned that all the excitement of Christmas coming up must be a huge contributing factor to TJ's being on edge.

She's right - it is.

Imagine your typical kid the week before Christmas - how excited they are, and how magical everything feels.

Now imagine that times 10.  That's what it's like for TJ.  The highs are higher than normal, and the lows are lower.

Add to that his self-imposed guilt trip and fear of Santa's Naughty List when he yells uncontrollably or gets mad at me or his brother because his sensory system is on overload.  It takes some serious convincing that he is still on the Nice List.

So as keyed up as TJ is, I have to be that much more calm and controlled.  An interesting position to be in, as that is not the natural state of affairs, to say the least.  But somehow, the more intensly he reacts, the calmer I respond.  

I surprise even myself.

Anyway, that's where we are at.  A quiet calm peaceful relaxed afternoon at home as we try to keep the peace and prevent more meltdowns.

I had a cute outfit picked out for a party we were supposed to attend, too.  Darn it.  I'll save it for another day. 

The shoes, however, I will wear now.  Good shoes always help things, dontcha think?

2015

Ah the holidays!

I'm thrown off completely that it's 55 degrees outside instead of snowy, but whatever.

During this time of year I get awfully reflective.  Normally, in the past, I have focused on what I struggled with rather than with what went well.

Well guess what?

I can't really think of any huge struggles this year!!!

Is this possible?!?!  This is me we're talking about here....

But yes, it's not only possible, but it's TRUE!

WAHOO!!!!

In trying to figure out that magic formula of going with the flow and living a positive, healthy, happy life, I seemed to have stumbled across it.  Somehow.

Perhaps it was all the work I've done on myself the past few years?  I have come from a place of not liking my wimpy take-the-back-seat self, to being angry with myself about wasting time in negativity, to just, quite simply, being happy.

This is not to say that I haven't had any struggles this year - I have.  Everyone does.  But I have handled them in a more positive way than I ever have before.

I have let go of hurt.

I have let go of things I can't control.

I have focused on the amazing people in my life - there are a LOT of them!!!

I have enjoyed the small things.  And the big things!  And the small things that are big things to me and my family.

And all those things in between.

And I have found peace and joy and happiness and lots of love and laughter along the way.

So thank you friends, for sticking with me.  I am grateful for you every day.

Thank you family, for holding me up.  And challenging me.  And loving me all the time.

Thank you, Sean and TJ and Peter - you are my heartbeat.  You are my everything, every day.

And thank you all, for just....all of it.

Happy 2016!