Thursday, August 11, 2016

Take Your Time

My son TJ is 16.  He has autism.

He is going to be a Junior in high school.  He is so excited to be half way done with high school - a thought that, as his mother, makes me a little panicky.  But I digress.

On Monday we got his schedule for the new school year in the mail.  He was so excited to open it!  And the first class on his first day was Driver’s Ed.

Driver’s Ed.  Did I mention I get a little panicky?

No matter, because I studied theatre in college, so whenever I have that parent panic, I go instantly into actress mode, and do my best “I am so easy breezy it’s not even funny” type of mother acting.

It usually works quite well.

It worked well this time, too, which is good, because when big things come up for TJ that we need to work through, I don’t want him to be influenced by me in any way.

So when I saw “Driver’s Ed” on his schedule, I smiled, and said “TJ, you got Driver’s Ed!  That’s great!  So many kids want that class and don’t get it!”

This is true.  It’s a hot commodity, this class.  You can register for it after you’re 15 years old and you can’t get your license without it, unless you wait until you’re over 18.  And if memory serves, not many kids want to wait until they are 18 to start driving.

Now TJ’s first reaction was to smile and say, “Great!”  And then I said to him, “TJ, in order to take this class, you have to have your learner’s permit.  We can sign you up to take the test in about a week or two, but you’ll have to study for it.  How does that make you feel?”

TJ scrunched his nose a little and said, “I don’t know.”

I know that “I don’t know”.  It’s usually a sign of nerves.  So I told him to just look through the rest of his schedule and we can talk about it the next day.

So the next day, I asked TJ how he was feeling about the whole Driver’s Ed thing.  Again, I got an “I don’t know.”  So I suggested we go to the DMV web page and check out their informational videos about driving.

He sat through about half of the video when he said, “Can I stop now?”

Now inside, I’m thinking that our planning time is running out.  If he is going to take the class in 3 weeks, he needs to take his permit exam in 2 weeks, which means he has got to start studying.

But not today.  I gave him one more day to think things through.

So yesterday, I sat down with TJ.  Time to get serious.

“TJ, I know you’re feeling a little nervous about driving.  Are you feeling rushed to get your permit?”


“Would you like to drop the class this semester, and take your time getting your permit?  We can try to get the class another time.  Even next year, if you’re not ready yet.  It’s ok.  And it’s up to you.”

With that, he seemed instantly lighter.  He thought for a second, then said to me, “I think I’d like to wait.”

And as soon as I said OK, he breathed out deeply and said, “Boy do I feel better!”  And then, that smile.

My sweet TJ is on his own schedule.  He always has been.  He learned to ride his bike long after his little brother did.  He didn’t feel comfortable walking home from school alone until late in his Freshman year.  And the first time he went back into the Dentist Office without me with him was yesterday.  

So even though he is already 16, and many of his peers have their driver’s license, my TJ will wait.  He will take his sweet time until it feels right for him.

And that’s a-ok by me.

And now, he can’t wait for school to start.  


  1. Lauren, Our girl Tati waited to get her permit, too! She just wasn't comfortable with the responsibility and risk, so she didn't end up getting her permit and license until she was somewhere around 18, if memory serves. It's far too important for kids to trust themselves and their decision-making, learning to do things when they are ready, rather than when others do them. Well done, TJ...There is always time! :-D

    1. I remember! I learned so much about parenting from you and John. There is, indeed, always time! <3

  2. TJ you are a legend as is mammy.I am 35 next week and just starting to learn to drive , in Ireland we don't get driving classes like ye do but if we had I'm pretty sure I would have waited too until I was comfortable . Taking your time and knowing what works best for you is something many people don't learn until they are adults , you TJ seem to have grasped that pretty well at 16 years old. I'm sure by 18 you will be driving unlike me and you can think of that woman all the way in Ireland only learning to drive now at 35 ! Xxx