This is NOT the year of Lauren - I'm not even gonna say it!

In 2013 I don't want new clothes, or fancy jewelry, or even shoes!

Hard to believe, right?  I'm serious.

Here's what I want in 2013:

I want TJ to tackle his challenges with determination and drive.  I want him to struggle, for within struggle is growth.  I want him to laugh more.  He has the greatest laugh.  And I want him to feel proud of who he is.

I want Peter to challenge himself every day, to not give up, and continue to grow into the sweet sensitive young man he already is.  I want him to not hurt so much, and feel things so strongly, that it stops him from taking chances.  I want him to continue being goofy - his smiles are like magic.  And I want him to know that TJ is no more his responsibility than he is TJ's responsibility.

I want Sean to continue to find the humor amongst the daily stresses, and to do more things for himself for fun.  I want him to ski more.  I want him to feel spoiled, and to know that he is the greatest husband and father there is.

As for me, I just want to not fall down as much and get hurt.  That's deep, when you think of it, except that I mean that literally.  I really took some knocks this past year.  My ankle still acts up.

So no, this is not going to be the year of Lauren.  This is just going to be a year.  And I hope that for my family, and for yours, that it is one filled with love and laughter and snapshots of memories that last forever.

And if a new pair of shoes is, indeed, in my future, then so be it. 

My Sensitive Sniffer

My hearing sucks.  My sense of smell, on the other hand, is superb.  Which is perfect, really, because in college I always used to say "Smell you later!", so it's very appropriate.

When our boys were babies, however, it wasn't that superb.  I could smell their stinky little butts from a mile away.  Which usually meant that I was the one to change them.

Also, once when we were in the woods of Maine, I smelled a forest fire that was happening in Canada.  True story.  Freaked me out.

These days, I'm smelling more than I should be smelling.  For example, when we are making coffee, it has started to smell like skunk to me.  And only me.  Not the best smell, and I have no idea when it started, but there you go.  Also, there are parts of my house that smell like a small animal has died, and I can't find the source of the smell no matter how hard I look.  I am the only one who smells it.  Which I suppose is a good thing for everyone else.

Just something I'm noticing lately.  That, and my hands are really dry.

Merry Hurl-mas!

I am spending the holidays holding puke buckets for my poor boys. That kind of sums up 2012 quite nicely.

Here's to a great 2013! Lots of love and laughs, and a lot less hurling!

Xo from Lauren

Joyeux Noel!

One Christmas when Susan and I were little, like 5 and 7, Nanny came from Long Island to our house for the holiday.  Nanny was something.  No muss, no fuss.  What you see is what you get.  I write more about her here. 

Anyway, it was Christmas morning and Susan and I were jumping up and down, screaming and yelling with joy that Santa had eaten our cookies that we had left out for him.

Nanny, who we had clearly woken up, asked why we were so excited.

"Nanny, Santa ate our cookies we left him!  Isn't that great?"

Nanny gasps, covers her mouth and says,

"They were for Santa?!"

:)

We were inconsolable for a good 1/2 hour.

And a very Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!

A Very 70s Lauren

Hormones-O-Rama

My sweet boy.

TJ is my 12 year old with autism.  He has been going through a lot of changes lately.  First, he started using deodorant (triumphantly, might I add) which you can read about here.  Then yesterday he got a ginormous zit.  Not to get too graphic but Sean, dreamboat that he is, aided with the ceremonious first zit popping.  That's all I'm going to tell you about that.

Just now TJ and Peter finished watching a Simpson's episode where Bart leads an uprising against a bully.  At the end I said "TV off, screen time is over!"  TJ started to walk upstairs and said, quietly, "I've learned something about bullying, Mom.  Don't fight back and tell the principal."  Then his little mouth turned into a frown and he turned and went upstairs.

Well my stomach lurched as I went upstairs after him.  In my head I'm already half way to Mama-Bear mode ready to rip the arms off of the kid that bullied my sweet boy.  And that's half way Mama Bear!  Imagine me at full force!!!  Anyway, I sat down next to him on the bed and said, "Do you want to talk about anything?  You look like you wanted to cry."  BOOM - tears-o-rama.  Waterfalls.  He leaned into my shoulder as I asked if he felt bullied.

"No Mom, no one bullies me.  I'm just different.  I feel different.  I think I react to things differently."

"We all react to things our own way, buddy.  Everyone is different.  There is no right or wrong way to feel, sweetie.  Did anyone tell you that you are different than everyone else?"

"No.  I just in my heart feel jumbled."

How cute is that?

I asked, "Do you feel kind of all over the place?"

"Yes, Mom.  What is that?"

"I think it's hormones, buddy.  This happens when you turn into a teenager.  Sometimes you just feel sad and you don't know why."

"Can I have my iPad to draw Mom?"

"Um...no, no iPad, but I'll bring you some new white paper.  How does that sound?"

Then he started talking about Power Ranger MegaZords.

HOLY HORMONES.  WE ARE SCREWED.  RUN AWAY AND SAVE YOURSELVES - I'LL THROW MYSELF ON THE GRENADE!!!  FLEE!!!  GO GO GO!!!!!

On a different note, our fish Pee Wee that literally disappeared from our fish tank a month ago suddenly re-appeared out of the volcano.  The volcano that we had previously lifted, searched, removed, checked.....you get the idea.  Pee Wee is back.  We have no idea what happened.  Except that I think this proves my earlier theory that the fish tank volcano is a portal to another world.  But we may never know the truth.

Thanks a lot, kid

This morning getting ready for our day....

Peter: "Hey Mom, do you know Madonna?"

Me: "Not personally but I know who you're talking about."

Peter: "Did you know she's an author?"

Me: "I think I did know that. She writes children's books, right?"

Peter: "Right."

Me: "Did you know that she's a Mom, too? She has 3 kids."

Peter's jaw drops as if I just told him that our raggedy carpeting is spun from pure gold.

Peter: "You mean she's a famous singer, an author, AND a Mom?!?!"

Me: "Yup."

Peter: "Wow! "

Pause....then...

Peter: "You're just a Mom."


Haha! True!

But I'm pretty sure that I'm a better Mom than Madonna. So suck on that, Madonna!

xo

There is no way to laugh today, as my heart breaks for those Connecticut families suffering unimaginable losses.

I'm hugging my children, and wishing I was with my sister and her family today to hug my nieces and nephews. 

Life is fleeting. 

Reserve judgement for others, as you don't know what is happening in their lives behind the scenes.

Put aside your troubles with friends and family in your lives to come to some sort of mutual respect and understanding.  It takes too much negative energy to hold on to anger and resentment.

Smile at a stranger.  They may need it.

Please show each other love and kindness.

Addendum to my previous post, with a bonus at the end!!!

It has been brought to my attention that my previous blog post, while humorous, came across screaming "LAUREN IS A MESS!!"  This was far from my intention, as this was not a list of things that occurred during one outing, rather over a period of 20+ years of alcohol consumption.  We're talkin' teen years, dorm years, college years....and let's get real folks, how many of you looked at that list and said "I've done that!"

And I went to UVM, so I know that you UVMers can confirm your participation in such events.

In any case, it is what it is.

AND, bonus for today, I have learned that to say "suck it" in Spanish, or at least a Spanglish version, is "Chup it" (pronounced "choop").

You're welcome.

A Newly-Sober Girl's Guide to the Holidays

So as you may or may not know, I'm 1 year 5 months booze free.

It's awesome.  And it sucks balls.

I can never predict which one it will be.  So I have decided to find the positive aspects of celebrating the holidays sober.  It's worth a shot, right?

So without further ado, may I present

GREAT BONUS FEATURES TO NOT GETTING LIT THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!

• There is no "oh my god did I really fall down in front of our neighbors?" mortification the day after the party
• There is no "oh my god did I really say that out loud to my mother?" mortification the day after the holiday (feel free to replace 'mother' with father, sister, husband, wife, kids, in-laws....you get the gist of it)
• You can wear stilettos without the fear of stumbling or tipping over randomly - your fashion choices are limitless!
• No drunk crying (this one is true 365 days/year actually)
• No embarrassing slurring or random phrases that make no sense (I seem to recall I actually once said 'lumpy on the beast'.  It made perfect sense to me, and me alone)
• For once, you can answer your friends' questions of "I don't remember that last night - what did I say?"
• No one will ever say "In vino veritas" to you again!!!  This one alone is worth it.
• You always have a ride home because you are the driver!

And perhaps the best one....

• SAVED CALORIES CAN BE SPENT ON DIP!  I love me some dip.

So there you go!  Happy pre-holiday celebrations everyone!  Enjoy your dip.

Ugly Criers

I think I'm an ugly crier.

I'm certainly not a cute crier, because when I cry, I'm trying to stop myself from crying.  Hence, ugly crying.

But at least I'm not famous and my ugly crying face is not out there for all to see and copy and paste into blogs.  There are some seriously ugly criers out there.

Kim Kardashian, ugly famous-for-no-reason crier.

Heidi Montag, ugly made-of-plastic crier.

(By the way, how funny is that subtitle?)

Farrah Abraham, ugly teen-mom-is-selfish-and-has-no-clue crier.

You get the picture.

I'm sure I'm an ugly crier too, but you're not going to see a picture of it here.  'Cause that's the kind of blogger I am.  If/when I get famous, I promise I will allow ugly crying Lauren pictures.  I'm a giver.

Have a nice day.


UPDATE!!!  THANK YOU HANA!!!

How could I have forgotten Claire Danes, My-So-Called ugly crier?!?!

There - that ought to do it.

Oh no he DI' AN' T!!!

Peter, this morning.  Before I've had my coffee.

Pete:  "Mom, my teacher said her shoes are her babies.  I told her you have a whole closet full of them, but only wear like 3 pairs."

Me:  (horrified)  "Peter!!!  That's not true!  And we live in Vermont, it's not like I can wear peep toes in the winter!"

I then thought to myself, "Well, I CAN, but I have to carry them to where I'm going and put them on after I take my boots off...", but I knew better than to even have that conversation with my son unless I wanted to stare at a glazed over face.

Pete: (after some thought) "Why do you have so many shoes, anyway?!"

Me: (thinking "Oh no you are NOT going there!!!")  "Why do you have so many legos?!?!"

Conversation over.  Finally I spoke his language.

And I may have multiple shoe changes today, just to prove my point.  You do NOT mess with the shoes.

Teeth Whitener and Yummie Tummie

My boys wrote their Christmas List for Santa (Peter knows it's not for Santa, please see this post for the whole story).  It got me to thinking about when I was young and what I used to ask for.

It also got me to thinking about what is on my list now.  Brace yourself for Elder Awareness.

Then - Charlie's Angels Hideaway Treehouse
Now - Teeth Whitener
Then - Lucite Skateboard
Now - Spanx /Yummie Tummie
Then - Esprit Sweatshirt
Now - Jewelry we can't possibly afford
Then - Atari
Now - a new roof
Then - Ribbon and barrettes for making ribbon barrettes
Now - Rogaine
Then - ski goggles
Now - Hard wood flooring
Then - Sony Walkman
Now - more memory on my laptop
Then - Go-Go's Album
Now - new sheets

Look how practical I've become!  Growing up sucks.

Merry happy. 

How do you tell your kid that Santa is too cheap?

The only thing TJ wants for Christmas are Power Ranger Megazord Collectibles.  The $300 ones on Amazon.

How do you tell your kid that Santa can't afford it?

This is a puzzle.  TJ strongly believes in Santa, and told the "Santa" that we saw last week that I'm emailing his list to him.  "Santa" already told him he's all set.  This was before we looked at the prices.

We are screwed.

We tried telling him that Santa wants more on his list to choose from - he put down 3 books. 

Peter knows the truth about Santa already and keeps trying to tell TJ "You may not get those Megazords, they are really expensive."  But TJ thinks that Santa makes everything at the North Pole!  AAUUUGGGHHH!!!  The jolly ole' elf is working against us!  Conspiracy!!!  J'accuse!!!

Rant over.  Go back to what you were doing.

TMI but I can't help myself

Just now on the couch:

Me: "What is that smell?"

Both boys look at me like "I don't know".

Me:  "TJ I think it's you!  Get over here."

I grab him and pull him over to me.  He thinks I'm going to tickle him so he starts giggling and squealing.

Me:  "Gimme your armpit!"

TJ:  "AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!" 

Me:  "Get over here!"

TJ:  "AUGH NO TICKLES!!!"

Me:  "I'm not tickling you - get over here!!!"

I finally get his arm hoisted up and BOY does he stink!

Me:  "TJ it's you!  Your pit stinks!"

TJ:  "PUBERTY HAS HIT!!!  SMELL, EVERYONE!"

Me:  "TJ go to Dad.  Sean, smell TJ!"

Sean:  "Uh, no thank you."

Me:  "Sean you HAVE TO!"

TJ: "Dad, SMELL THE LOVE!"

Sean:  "I'm not smelling the love."

Me:  "You're his father!  You have to!  This is a big day!"

TJ:  "SMELL THE LOVE!!!"

Sean:  "I really don't have to."

Me:  "OF COURSE YOU DO!!!"

TJ:  "SMELL THE LOVE!!!"

Me:  "You can't not smell the love, Sean."

Sean:  "Oh my god, OK TJ."

Sean sniffs and says, "Yup, you stink."

TJ:  "Now let me smell you."

Sean:  "I used deodorant already, it's not fair."

TJ sniffs and says, "I just smell fresh air."

Me:  "Peter, get over here and let me see if you stink too."

I grab his arm, hoist it up, and sniff.

Me:  "Nope, you're not stinky at all."

Pete:  "WOO HOO!!!!"


And that's Saturday.