44

Since I last wrote, on August 1, you could say I have gone through some changes.

The most obvious is my recovery from the Pulmonary Embolism I had on July 28.  Since I have been home from the hospital this has taken over my life.  I have never felt more exhausted.  Even now, 3 months later, after I have been given the go-ahead to exercise.  All is well and good until my body revolts suddenly after 3 good days.  Or until it starts fighting a simple cold.  I have no energy for anything else.  I know this is temporary and will hopefully be gone by the time my PE anniversary rolls around, but it has changed everything I do.

Another side effect from the PE is neck pain.  I have been in physical therapy for the last 12 weeks after my neck and shoulder muscles suddenly seized up completely  Long story short, 12 weeks later and I have almost full range of motion back and much less pain.  It's amazing to me how connected everything in the human body is, and how blood clots in the lung have thrown my whole body into chaos.

Since July 28, the ground under my feet has shifted.  It shifts still.  It has effected everything, changed everything to the point of feeling foreign.  Not all day, not every day, but it has definitely been a constant.

How awful it has felt that one of the only constants in my life has been change.  Every day a new feeling.  A new fear.

I am not comfortable with uncertainty.  Who is?  It has made me question everything.  My sobriety.  My sanity!  My self to the core.  Some friends have suffered because of my uncertainty.  I have suffered because of my uncertainty.  I have questioned the stranger in the mirror every day.  She has a new fear behind everything she does.  She is terrified her boys will have to grow up without her.

Friday is my birthday.  44.  

I have learned it is ok to not always be Ms. Polly Sunshine.  It is ok to have a bad day and not feel guilty about it. 

I have learned that having TJ, Peter and Sean makes me the luckiest person to be alive.

To be alive.  So lucky to be alive.

I will find my footing.  The ground will still shift but I will be able to shift with it. 

44 will be better than 43.

Make a wish.